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Wednesday, 07 May 2008
Deprestrogen - and How You Cunts Can Cure It
Between Taschen catalogues crammed full of tits & ass – and one book on penises – magazine supplements pointing out how my 'female brain' can't 'understand' men, and various films and TV where my sex gets to strip and scream, sometimes together, I seem to be surrounded – sunk in – just how irrelevant I am.
Then this afternoon I come across this article headlining on IMDB Is There a Real Woman In This Multiplex?
And a very good article it is too. A woman after my own heart.
But, there's no doubt about it, besides me and her, there seems to be precious few of us yelling about the sheer misogyny of who we are 'supposed' to be.
With the exception of getting to fend for ourselves – albeit for less money – women's lives have definitely got worse. The suffragettes could have saved themselves a lot of hunger-striking, and the women's libbers a lot of underwear. They did fuck all in the long run.
Sure, they don't marry us off to old men these days (unless you're a royal or from a fundamentalist religion), but otherwise women's lot is definitely worse than it was in your mother's day – or your grandmother's.
Think about it. We get to work, but we don't get to have a career. Some women try it, and even pull it off up to a point, but they pay a price for it that men never do.
Career women are selfish, unfeminine, ball-breakers. Even other women don't like them. They're hard, unfeminine (can't stress that often enough), cold, mean, heartless, greedy, ambitious, warped, unnatural. They treat their families appallingly, depriving their husbands of masculinity, belittling them by association. (How can a man be a man if his wife earns more, works harder, and commands more respect?) They neglect their children, putting their four-wheel drives and blackberries before everything else. They produce narcissistic, neurotic, driven children and mincing, suicidal homosexuals. Even delinquents. And serial killers.
Career women have broken down the very fabric of society, producing a generation of latch-key kids who don't know how to cook and who smoke crack.
This, of course, is because it is all women's fault. No matter what it is, it's women's fault. No matter what's gone wrong with the world – we done it.
I'd like to believe this was a new thing, part of the general malaise of modern life, because it would make my argument look so very shiny, but actually it's a very old thing; it's just got more comprehensive, that's all.
This is the list of the things that used to be women's fault:-
1. Infidelity. If he did it, it was because he was bored (because she didn't make enough effort), or because she'd 'let herself go' (his beer belly/baldness is never an issue), or she was a shrew (you don't pick fault with men – ever), or bad with money (women's families come first – always), etc, etc, etc.
If she did it, it was because she was a slut. Or because she was a slut. Or maybe even a slut.
2. Bad children. She didn't bring them up properly – end of conversation.
3. Bad husbands. If he hit her she provoked it. If he hit the children she'd brought them up badly and they'd provoked it. If he fucked the children it was for the same reasons as number 1 – see Infidelity.
4. Bad housekeeping. She was a slattern, a lazy, shiftless, good-for-nothing who'd rather stand a the street corner yakking than polish her step.
And that was it, pretty much. In other words, anywhere you could go wrong would be domestic. It was up to you to keep the house running sweetly. If the house wasn't sweet it was your fault. Your domain; your fault.
Now look at how that list has grown. Here is a list of the things that are now women's fault:-
First – all of the above. Nothing's changed. Women are still considered guardians of home and hearth and custodian of everybody's feelings – even the cat's. What's more, now it isn't just your relatives or neighbours that are going to judge you – now it's everyone. Complete strangers on TV, the media – 'experts', every one – are all pushing into your home, pointing out all the things you should be doing – from taking care of your husbands 'feminine' side, to making sure your kids get enough vitamins to get them into Mensa.
On top of that we now have to worry about being essentially flawed, something that needs 'fixed'.
Only a couple of days ago I actually read on Yahoo news that women were twice as likely to get depressed as men (nooooo…) and that 'they' (the scientists) didn't know why, but that it was possibly (read probably) hormones.
Jesus Christ, yes. Why hasn't someone told us before? It's the depression hormone. All us women are fitted with a neat little depression gland that secretes Deprestrogen. It's probably behind our tits.
Men don't have hormones, you see. Nope. They have this unique biology that runs on something else, just not hormones. It can't be hormones, you see, because they're a woman thing. Because women have ovaries and wombs and shit like that, and they have these hormones that just gallop into the blood at random moments and suddenly – snap – we're engulfed in Deprestrogen, which makes us cry and rant and eat chocolate. Because men never cry, or rant or eat chocolate, never mind do anything irrational.
Where the hell do these cretins get off with this shit? Although it's been recognised for a long time that negative thought patterns are the most likely factor in depression, and that cognitive therapy is the most successful method for treating it – with no chemicals, hormonal or otherwise, involved – they are still spouting piffle like this.
Why is it that whenever anything a woman says or does is considered unacceptable that the mental illness/chemical imbalance, you're-just-a-mad-bitch crap starts pouring out?
Because we're flawed, that's why.
That's what the modern woman has attained that her mother and her grandmother and all the others before her never had – the 'proof' that you are a fundamentally flawed, genetically irreversible disaster area.
See, before we had the cure-all of the 'Women's Movement', women were still considered inferior – actually, physically, like blacks having longer arms and a sense of rhythm.
When we got the vote, and the 'right' to work our asses off for less pay and no real promotion, it became politically incorrect to consider a woman as inferior. They could be smart enough, they'd proved it by fitting all those little wires on the circuit boards for half of men's wages. The scientists had to stop talking about their inferior biology and their smaller brains.
But the horrible fact was the inferiority theory didn't go away. It's like all those people who think taking Sambo and gollies out of children's books stops racism.
Newsflash – it doesn't, it just diverts it somewhere else.
And our 'somewhere else' is our flawedness.
And now all you cheery chappies, male and female, who think feminists are angry lesbians, are sitting shaking your heads, sneering at what mysterious 'flaws' these might be. Like the blacks, the women get it too easy. Everybody bends over backwards for women these days – they get all the best jobs, and they get to wear skirts (oh, the envy).
Okay, let's just look at some of these silly, irrelevant, too-much-fuss-over-nothing-typical-women flaws we've acquired along with our 'rights' and votes. Here's a short list, roughly in order of fear and loathing.
1. Fat. Women are fat, fat, fat. Unless you are a size 0, you are FAT. Nowadays a size 10 or 12 (that's a 6 or an 8 in the U.S.) is likely to be referred to as 'round' or 'curvy'.
On what planet?
The average British woman is a size 16. Ms Average is even bigger in the U.S., and yet a size 12 is 'curvy'? By what standard? Why, by the standard of how in error women essentially are. It's nothing you can fix, you're just wrong.
Women have a genetic predisposition to fat. For a start we have an extra layer of it. Nature thought it would be useful for us. Nature was WRONG.
Not only that, but we put it on easily. Pregnancy, menstrual fluctuations – hey, those good old hormones that make us depressed. Wouldn't you just know it? Wrong, wrong, wrong.
2. Hair. Unless it's on your head, it's wrong. Body hair on a woman is just wrong. It grows there? That's our point: you're flawed. 'Real' women (i.e. sexy, desirable women; the only real value women have) have smooth legs, arms, faces – skin in general. Flawed, wrong women have hair in their underarms, on their legs, their faces – hell, even round their nipples. Goddamn freaks.
And don't even start us on hairy snatches. To quote the internet, ewwwwwwwwwwwwww….
See? Even the internet in the immensity of its wisdom, knows hairy snatches are just wrong.
3. Smell. Everything about women smells. Especially their crotches. Women's crotches not only smell but their smell varies throughout the month, getting more or less pungent according to how moist it is. Which also varies. Smelly and moist? Dear God, does it get any wronger?
4. Wrinkles. Women wrinkle, age, go grey. It's a disgusting lapse of taste. Real women (i.e. sexy, blah, blah, blah….) are smooth, pre-pubescent, scentless, hairless, and forever chestnut/flaxen-haired. If you're not – you're wrong.
And that lot's just the tip of the iceberg. I haven't even touched on tit size, bleeding (that's beyond wrong, that's repulsive), emotional instability, showing off, dressing 'badly', frigidity, sluttishness, eating disorders, excessive shopping, drinking and shoes, relationship problems, failure to raise child geniuses, male emasculation… The list is endless.
The simple fact is your mother and grandmother just didn't have these problems. Mothers were expected to get fat, go grey and adopt the 'peenie' (that's an apron to you, not a sex organ) as soon as they popped their first brat.
A pre-consumerism mother aspired to a weekly perm and a pot of cold cream as her beauty care. She shaved her legs, and anything else that sprouted, with her husband's razor, and her muff was her own. Only sluts meddled with their pubic hair and no-one saw your big sensible, comfortable, sane cotton pants anyway. The only things they waxed were floors and furniture and they didn't have thrush every two minutes from tight nylon underwear and vaginal deodorants.
Yes, we women, we've never had it so good. Now we have so many products to choose from, so many solutions to fix ourselves.
Roll on the next great new Celebrity Beach Nettle and Rhubarb Soup Diet. I need to be perfect. And I need it now.
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