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Tuesday, 26 February 2008
Amy Winehouse, 2 Useless Ex-husbands and 23 Pounds of Funyun Pudge
She has a Jewish nose, a dyed beehive and LOTS of mascara – crazy bitch. What's not to hate?
A couple of weeks back, Maxim magazine website was running an article called The 5 Unsexiest Women Alive. Couldn't resist that gem – off I went. And, so you can enjoy the Amy (and other crazy bitch) bashing, here it is for you, Please don't show me real women, it upsets my fragile male sense of self.
So who are the five unsexiest (no, it's not a word, but a man made it up, and only dykes argue with men) women ALIVE!!!!!!!!!! (Felt that needed a good screaming headline.)
Well, it's pretty much a straight job-share between successful, older celebrities and young CRAZY (I'm really getting into this tabloid thing) bitches that do unseemly things in public.
You know, they used to lock women like this up in lunatic asylums. Nothing guaranteed to get a woman in the loony bin faster than doing things that any average bloke does of a Saturday night – you know, the drinking, snorting, public brawling kind of thing. When women do it it's CRAZY. Only now we can't lock them up any more.
Oh, wait a minute didn't we lock up Britney Spears recently? Yeah, she got in an altercation with the police when they were coming to take her children away. Wow – weird, crazy bitch. Why the hell would anybody freak when someone comes to take their children away? I hear she had some dodgy tooth brushing habits too. These celebrities, where do they get off?
And now that I come to think of it, isn't Lindsay Lohan always getting dragged off to psychiatrists, or threatened with psychiatrists, or introduced to psychiatrists, by Oprah, her father, mother, Jay Leno, President Clinton and the National Enquirer? Hell, haven't you signed the petition to have Lily Allen, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan put away as CRAZY BITCHES WHO SHOULD BE LOCKED UP AND STOP ENDANGERING THE AMERICAN WAY… OR SOMETHING.
Okay, I promise I won't use any more big letters suitable for small children. But you have to promise me that you will get a T-shirt and a marker pen, pin a picture of the Crazy Bitch Celebrity of your choice on your front and write underneath it, "I once ate 2 sponge cakes – deliberately. Now let's see you lock me up, motherfucker."
No-one will have a clue what you're talking about but we'll all know. It will be like a secret club.
Today, of course, as part of the general 'Amy Winehouse is Ruining Our Way of Life' hate spiel (remind me again – what did she actually do?) Yahoo has a headline with a picture of Amy looking like the Wicked Witch of the West (not difficult, Amy looks like a harsh Jewish Princess) with the sneery headline "So… who wants to look like Amy then?" with the not-hidden-at-all inference that no-one – I repeat, no-one – would want to look like Amy.
She's launching a fashion/perfume range, you see, and Yahoo just can't get past the fact that a drunken no-good, crazy bitch like Amy, who is no conventional beauty (but rivetingly imperfectly delicious) dares to think that young people might want to buy into some of that bad girl chic. The bitch, the bad, evil, crazy, successful, wealthy, incredibly robust bitch. (Dd we get to lock her up yet? Why isn't she collapsing under the barrage of this constant assault? After all, Britney folded, Lohan's showing cracks. Oh, fold, you crazy bitch – fold.)
We used to burn them, of course, and then we tried locking them in convents and, finally, lunatic asylums. That's what we do with 'crazy' – i.e. disobedient, mouthy, badly-behaved – women. Then we had to stop burning them, locking them up, tarring & feathering them. Now we are much more crafty. Now we burn them at the publicity stakes. Now we send packs of jackals after them to photograph their every move, post the most unflattering pictures we can find. If they're not too fat they're too thin (Kate Moss, bad, snorting not-role-model nearly-crazy-bitch anyone?). If they're not compulsively eating, drinking or snorting, they're compulsively shopping, partying or tanning (Paris Hilton, Mrs Beckham, the Ritchie girl?).
Oh, Crazy Bitch comes in lots of flavours, but it's always about excess, un-ladylike behaviour. And, of course, being very public. We really hate them for being everywhere – like it was their fault. In the case of Paris or Posh you can blame them for publicity seeking – if you really feel that publicity seeking is a terrible cruel thing to do and your small children should not be exposed to it. But Winehouse, Allen, Spears and co. are not big on hunting it out – it's more a case of them not being able to out-run it.
Nobody seems to question the validity of what is credited to the ladies as 'wild' behaviour. Male rock stars have been trashing rooms, puking up and decking people since the year dot. They're just living the rock star life – those wild guitar heroes. What about Oliver Reed, whose behaviour makes all of the girls' naughtiness together look like Noddy on an outing with Big Ears. Ah, Oliver, such a character – what a bloke, eh? Funny, I don't remember anyone locking him up, and he spent his entire life drunk, never mind a week or two. Shane McGowan – never sober. Keith Moon – don't even start.
To my knowledge never once sectioned, any of them. Nor were they called crazy, other than as the most flattering, blokey headshaking epithet. And what wild Oliver stunt has Britney pulled? She hit a car with a brolly. Oh, and she shaved her head. Wow, scary shit. No wonder her dad wants to take her money off her – just to manage it, of course, until she gets better. Yes, poor Britney, she's losing it. Literally, if dad has anything to do with it.
Or Amy, what about her? She had a fight. With her husband. In public. There was blood. She also – and please stop reading this if you're under eighteen – smudged her mascara and looked messy.
And we won't even start on Lohan. She once went out without any pants on.
What I want to know is what were the paparazzi doing sticking lenses up her skirt anyway? Bet no-one ever dared stick a Pentax down Oliver Reed's trousers to see if he was going commando. Hey, maybe she should have hit him with her brolly, then she could have got herself sectioned and given her fortune to her father. That would have been the proper thing to do, show young women you can't just smudge your mascara in public without paying the price.
So, I'll just leave you with this little witch-burning thought, care of Maxim's delightful list on just how we women fail to be sexy, so that you can make sure you don't do this and LOSE YOUR MAN (sorry, couldn't resist one last yell).
Don't get menopausal (Madonna), don't be in a hit TV show or have a boyish figure (Sandra Oh), don't let your drug use outstrip your boyfriend's (it threatens his manhood, Amy), don't have children or gain weight – any weight (Britney), don't ever, ever wear short skirts and behave like anyone out of Sex in the City – oh, and don't get famous, rich or successful.
Feminism is dead – long live Celebrity Culture! God, I am one crazy bitch……..
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