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Sunday, 20 January 2008
Not in My Movie
Filmic clichés – how I loathe them.
So, in that spirit, here is Journalism Cliché Number One – The Easy to Digest Soundbite List for Morons.
Yes, it's Ten Things I Hate About Movie Cliches – a decidedly uncomprehensive list of the lazy, irritating filmmaking semiotic tricks (we know it, so we're going to [mis]use it) you will never see in a movie of mine.
1. Throwing up in the toilet. Why, in the name of God, would anyone want to put their head in a toilet when they feel sick? Would you? Yes, it maybe has the dubious benefit of being easier to flush away, but are you really thinking that rationally when you're hungover/poisoned/dying? People shit and piss in toilets. They smell. Intelligent people do NOT stick their heads down toilets. End of conversation.
2. Blue lights during sex. Okay, where are they – the blue lights? I mean, every Hollywood film has them, so where do people get them? Hotel rooms, Midwestern bedrooms, barns, offices – doesn't matter where they are, as soon as those clothes come off the blue lights come on. Stop it already. Enough.
3. Washing down drugs with booze. I'm not talking cocaine here, I'm talking headache tablets or painkillers that the hero falls back on when he loses an arm or two. Can you begin to imagine how you'd feel with four paracetamol and a triple whisky gurgling around inside? Yeah, unconscious or puking – neither of which would spruce you up to go on fighting.
4. Even more drugs. We're talking quantity issues here. Heroes never ever take the 2 or 3 tablets as prescribed on the bottle. In fact, have you ever seen a hero actually read a label? They always knock the lid off (usually with their teeth or their one remaining foot) and empty maybe ten tablets into their hand, which they then proceed to swallow dry. Have you ever tried swallowing ten tablets dry? Come to that, have you ever taken ten Paracetamol and not had to have your stomach pumped? Some of them even do it repeatedly in one movie. Are they taking painkillers designed for very small rodents?
5. Somersaulting when you can jump. Okay, I know this is part of that whole fun thing you martial arts fans go for, but Christ, it's so overdone. Nowadays even fire-fighters leap backwards out of tall buildings to save the cat. It spoils pacing, and don't even start me on believability: "Oh, no, a man with a machine gun, I must run away, but not before I do a triple somersault off this balcony…"
6. Paper disguised as money. How many films? Come on, honestly, count 'em. Yeah, you can't, can you? How many otherwise really scary shaved & tattooed or sharp-suited & slimy gangsters have you seen conned by the old $700,000,000 in one-real-bill-on-a-pile-of-blank-paper trick? My cat knows when I'm pulling a fast one. (No, this really is expensive Sheba. It just happens to be in a jumbo-sized own brand tin.)
7. Fly-wire rigged jumping, fighting, leaping, kicking, bullet-dodging. Like lighting your own farts – fun the first time, but after that? Might be original if they used it for an inventive sex scene, or an underwater ballet, but otherwise, sick, sick sick of it. Give me fight scenes a la Brick any day.
8. Serial killers who keep pretty journals. Yes, we know they're nuts, and, yes, we know crazy people write bizarre things in their journals. Reality check – some of them are barely literate, actually, but you wouldn't know that on Planet Hollywood. No, there they keep notebooks worthy of Leonardo Da Vinci, with miniscule mirror-writing and detailed collage-work and superb graphic art. Hell, they ought to give up the mass killing and take up batik and macramé – give that creative urge an outlet.
9. People who take energy saving too far. Yes, you know what I'm talking about – the chronic misuse of light-bulbs. Nobody bloody switches them on. What is wrong with these people? They go into the dark, scary, dangerous house/basement/crypt where there is a serial killer/zombie/angry stalker, AND a light. But do they ever use it? No. It's not that I object to Dark is Scary, it's just that if you want to use dark at least give us a plausible reason for it so that we're not sitting there shouting, "Turn on the fucking light, you idiot."
10. Computer nerds who save the day. The only reason we get these fantasies in movies is because Hollywood is overrun by computer nerds making homages to other computer nerds. Computer nerds never save anything. No, trust me, they don't. Even the rare bright ones are incapable of having a conversation, never mind overriding NASA. The idea that any of them could have the wits to 'save' anybody belongs in the same league as them winning the girl by force of personality. Besides, most of them really fancy the square-jawed hero anyway.
Right, that's it. I could give you more, but I won't. Cliché of Journalism Number Two – people are too stupid to handle lists of more than 10 items.
Next blog, Wanky Hitchcock. Don't know what it's about yet, but I just love the title. (Thanks be to Jodie.)
You can now read this blog at the following locations:-
To subscribe to this blog on Blogspirit (my base camp) without divulging your email address click on the Newsgator button on the left-hand sidebar (on the Blogspirit site) or simply post the following text into your RSS browser: http://www.poisonpixie.com/chanceryblogfeed.xml
Not yet discovered the wonder of The DANNY Quadrilogy? You can check out all the volumes in print now at Poison Pixie where you can read an extract of Volume 1 for FREE! Or start your collection on Amazon here where you can also buy a print sampler, entitled CULT Fiction, containing an introduction to the DANNY series and an excerpt from Volume 1, for only £2.99.
You can also see me in person on my YouTube site (as well as DANNY's various trailers and ads) here or you can see the same material on the Poison Pixie film site where you can also hear our Mr Scratchmann read his delightful comic verse in his podcasts.
Lastly, there is an independent DANNY Discussion Board run by fans, C Stone's DANNY where anyone is welcome to go along and chat about the book till their guts bust.
21:39 Posted in Blog , Books , Film , Leisure , Shopping , Web | Permalink | Comments (2) | Email this
Saturday, 12 January 2008
Let Me Entertain You...
Reviews.
Hmm…
DANNY 2 hasn't had any. (I'm talking reader reviews.) Yet. And this has got me thinking. Aside, of course, from the usual "My book must be crap, no-one's reviewing it. My God, I've failed, what's the point of going on…." thinking.
It was very disappointing at first; there was soul-searching, doubt, moaning, depression, moaning again, but I did realise that I had overlooked something very important.
I don't write reviews. I think I have a half dozen – maybe not even that – on IMDB and one (I think) on Amazon (my Ayn Rand) and the one I did on Penguin. But, let's face it, they made me write that one.
I had been thinking about this reviewing lark before DANNY 2 came out. When I was faced with 'doing' Ayn Rand, in fact. I realised that my universe was a little unbalanced. I didn't read books, I wrote them. That seemed okay – after all, I had put in around 20 years solid graft of Reading, and its buddy, Book Buying. I think I paid my dues on that one. But I realised that I never reviewed, shared opinions, didn't give a fuck what other people thought about my taste in… well, just about anything. I had no desire to share my 'thoughts and opinions'.
I do on here, of course, but only non-fiction and films – not novels.
So… rightly or wrongly, I have decided to redress my karmic balance and put in what I would like to get out… ish.
I have decided – very tentatively – to try reviewing some novels.
Of course, first problem with that is I have to read them. But, hey, I'm okay – I can handle that.
I've decided that to help that karmic debt I will not review anything from a big publishing house. Plenty of people do that, and the only advantage in me joining in is I'd almost certainly go against the flow and disagree with everyone else. Might make for entertaining reading, but these authors are the very people who don't need my 'help', by way of exposure – they have plenty of their own.
No, I propose to review books from small to medium publishing houses. This includes anything from indie publishers, such as Poison Pixie, through to companies the size of, say, Canongate or Serpent's Tail, and right down to self-published, POD and even vanity-press victims – if there is still anyone mad enough to go that route.
In short, if you've written/published a book and you don't belong to Time Warner/Random House/ Penguin, et al – I'll review you.
Okay, that said, there are a few caveats. (If you are not interested in having a book reviewed you might want to stop reading here, if you haven't already.)
Here we go:-
First, and most important, be aware of who, and what, I am. I gave up reading novels for a reason. They bored me. I'd read it all before, seen it all before, in a million, trillion guises. There was nothing new or fresh – or not so far up its middle-class ass that I didn't want to take it out and shoot it – in the whole Universe.
Bearing this in mind, I am unlikely to enjoy ANYTHING that is a rip-off of someone else's work. Your fresh take on Star Trek, your new vampire Lestat, or your latest sad, lonely, divorced detective will not thrill me. Unless you really have done something new with it. In which case I will embrace you like a brother.
I don't like fantasy novels. Or worlds. Or universes. I have never been able (or had the urge) to read a fantasy novel. I managed ten pages of the first Harry Potter. I consider Lord of the Rings juvenile, anal retentive and tooth-grindingly boring. Gollum is Tolkien's only character that actually has character, and I consider his books unreadable. If your idea of 'naming' something involves putting fifteen consonants and one vowel in a made-up word (The Unholy Chasm of Ypthlic, say) I will hunt you down and kill you like a dog.
I am telling you this only because there is a time to cut your losses, and if you are a fantasy writer that time would be now. Yes, you can send me your fantasy novel. But I may not be able to read it. Worse, if I do, imagine what I might say about it.
I am not a fantasy reader or buyer. I am not your audience. Nothing I could say to you, no matter how kind I was being, would help you. The advice I would give you would be total crap. In fact, if I liked your novel you should probably worry, because your intended audience would probably hate it.
I'm also not a big fan of technologically heavy boy novels such as war/espionage/thrillers where the guns & cars are more important than the hero – or the plot. I consider both Ian Fleming and Frederick Forsyth to be very bad writers indeed (not to mention closet queers), so you should maybe go a little cautious sending me any clones, or things with masturbatory gun detail.
Otherwise, there are no restrictions on content/genre.
Literature, art, experimental, romance, detective, horror, science fiction (remember my strange names and worlds allergy here, though), chick-lit, Aga sagas, historical – throw it all at me. There used to be a standing joke that I'd read the back of a sauce bottle – and it's true
Lastly, I don't guarantee to review your book. You'll get more details on that when you e-mail (I'll give you the link in a sec), but, basically, if I don't think I can read it, or it's really too far from my interests I'll return it.
I do not do vicious attacks. Even if I hate your book I'll tell you exactly why. This is both a good and a bad thing – I'll tell you the truth, but it's my truth, and lots of people will not share my opinions. Neither I, nor any other critic or reader, is God – we do not have the definitive word on your book. That said, people believe what they read, so if you don't want people reading potentially 'damaging' opinions don't send me your book.
The real upside for you is I am probably one of the shrewdest critics you'll ever have. Even people who hate me still read me. It will probably be one of the most detailed reviews your book will ever have, and I promise you material you can actually use – not vague, generic crap that anyone could have written about anything.
I have no agendas and I've never met an author yet that threatened me. Lastly, although it may sound odd, I don't care about you or your book, and this is a good thing – honest. I have no point to prove, you can't let me down, or fail to provide me with the perfect romance, mystery, erotica…
It's important you understand that this arrangement is not reciprocal. I am not interested in you reviewing my book in return. Review it if you like, by all means, but if you want to read my book you'll have to buy it. You cannot buy a 'good' review from me by being my buddy or showing me yours if I show you mine. This is immensely liberating for both us of us, and it means that whatever I say you can at least trust it to be unbiased.
The final payoff, of course, is that this blog (Blogspirit) has around 2,000 readers a month, plus a handful more on MySpace (I'm embarrassed to say I don't know how many – around 50 a week, I think). I will also, if you give consent, post the review on Amazon.com and co.uk. However, if I find this idea productive I may set up a separate site for reviewing and that would offer yet more exposure.
But that's a big if. I may loathe this. Maybe no-one will send books. A million things could be wrong with this idea – all yet undiscovered.
For now, this is what you're getting in return for your effort/outlay: a top quality, literate, articulate review and respectable exposure to an intelligent audience who are looking for something new and different, and who actually buy and read books – plus guaranteed Amazon reviews.
Right, that's more than enough to be going on with.
If you are interested in having your book reviewed then please click on the following link to e-mail Max Scratchmann at poisonpixieltd@btinternet.com
Finally, if you belong to any writers' sites or groups by all means pass the word along or link them to this blog.
Looking forward to reading you…
You can now read this blog at the following locations:-
To subscribe to this blog on Blogspirit (my base camp) without divulging your email address click on the Newsgator button on the left-hand sidebar (on the Blogspirit site) or simply post the following text into your RSS browser: http://www.poisonpixie.com/chanceryblogfeed.xml
Not yet discovered the wonder of The DANNY Quadrilogy? You can check out all the volumes in print now at Poison Pixie where you can read an extract of Volume 1 for FREE! Or start your collection on Amazon here where you can also buy a print sampler, entitled CULT Fiction, containing an introduction to the DANNY series and an excerpt from Volume 1, for only £2.99.
You can also see me in person on my YouTube site (as well as DANNY's various trailers and ads) here or you can see the same material on the Poison Pixie film site where you can also hear our Mr Scratchmann read his delightful comic verse in his podcasts.
Lastly, there is an independent DANNY Discussion Board run by fans, C Stone's DANNY where anyone is welcome to go along and chat about the book till their guts bust.
00:45 Posted in Blog , Leisure , Web | Permalink | Comments (17) | Email this
Thursday, 10 January 2008
not a real post
Not a real post, folks, - just sending off a web spider.
21:33 Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
Monday, 07 January 2008
Be Bitter, Be Free
I am an embittered author.
It's true. I don't deny it. And what's more – I'm proud of it.
I've earned it. It's my right. And no-one can take it away from me.
I have starved, lived in penury, been ignored, reviled, treated with every kind of disrespect there is, and yet, I have continued to do my work, strive after my own kind of perfection (which is not your perfection, white man) and ignored all the experts, gurus and naysayers down the line. Aggressively, with pugnacious determination and downright hostility.
Yes, I'm bitter and, by God, I have every right to be.
I think bitterness is good for you, a positive attribute that should be cultivated by every artist, from the humble novice to the old hack.
Bitterness is both a self-defence and an artistic statement.
Bitterness makes you outspoken and, more importantly, keeps you outspoken. Without it you become an arse-licker, a people pleaser, a sycophant. And that way disaster lies.
Bitterness keeps people away, like a dog's snarl. Bitterness keeps you edgy, focussed, able to stay on your own path. Get friendly and you lose your way. Get friendly and they get in your head.
Bitterness keeps you unique. Without it you start to listen to other people's ideas instead of respecting your own. You start to be reasonable – the death-knell to any creativity. Art is never reasonable.
The BBC is reasonable, your mother is reasonable, your dentist is reasonable. It's not your job to be reasonable. Reasonable is for civil servants. Reasonable didn't create Jesus Christ, Mickey Mouse or the Sistine Chapel.
Whether you admire those things or not is irrelevant; what none of them are, or were, is reasonable – and what they all have in common is cantankerous, irascible, unreasonable people behind them. At least two of whom felt bitter from time to time – and I'm not even too sure about Jesus.
I, of course, take bitterness too far. I mistrust everyone – including the people who can help me.
Of course, I don't believe I take it too far – I think I've got it exactly right – but there's no doubt it sometimes gets in my way. While other less embittered souls might be effectively jumping on bandwagons I'll be standing in my corner going, "Yeah, and you can fuck off, mate."
A couple of nights ago I was playing hostess at an event which shall remain nameless because I'm not stupid as well as bitter. I smiled a lot, I kept moving, working the room, meeting and greeting, offering food, taking photos, topping up the props, generally checking that everything ran smoothly.
I did this for two hours, being sweet, smiley, genial – generally not myself at all. This is fine, good. Wasn't my event – it's what I was there for. There was no-one I wanted to meet, no-one I cared for, nothing I wanted. I was content to be geisha.
I was careful not to get tied up in conversations, to avoid eye contact after the initial introduction. If I was engaged I couldn't do my job.
And so it went on. By the end of the two hours the room was thinning, guests had left and I decided to take myself round the room to see the exhibit.
Big mistake.
I got collared by all the people who had wanted to talk to me earlier but who had been unable to engage me. Suddenly, reading, I was a captive audience. Apparently reading means you can be interrupted.
However, in charming mode, I smiled, I listened, I gave the impression that I cared.
A quick aside for those interested in human psychology. If you ever have to engage when you don't want to this is how you do it:-
You smile, broadly, without showing teeth, making sure your eyes smile also (very important – humans can spot a fake smile fifty miles away). You listen, making sure you always look into the eyes and occasionally at the mouth. This is read by your listener as you watching to see what they are going to say. It's not necessary to say yes or encourage, just listening will do it, but smiling occasionally in response to what they say – or laughing, if you can do this naturally – will very much endear you to them. By all means interject occasionally because this shows you are actually listening. Do NOT ever give the impression you are waiting for them to finish so you can talk. They want you to listen to them, not vice versa.
This may appear calculating (and it is), but all charming people have learned it. In fact, the most charming people and the best listeners often have the most tricks up their sleeves. Without any ill-intent. As I had no ill-intent. Just keep the customer satisfied.
However, the downside was I got stalked by a gossip columnist who decided to take a shine to me. And a photo-journalist. And a psychiatrist. And a creativity consultant. And a charming chap from the Mediterranean who decided I should write his wife's book for her. (Yes, seriously.)
I actually had to fight off the columnist, who was most insistent that I give him my phone number.
And this is where my attitude gets silly. Do you know of any artist who would actually fight off a gossip columnist?
No, didn't think so.
Part of me came home, incredulous at my own 'stupidity'. Part of me is damn happy I'm like that. What could he do for me? Why would I want him to?
In my defence I didn't know who he was, and cared less. Although I realised by the end of the evening that he was 'someone', as everyone in the room knew him, and I'd been presented to him like he was the Queen Mother. But the truth is I didn't even care enough to care about caring who he was. If you get my drift.
Now, of course, after telling Mr Scratchmann, he's determined to milk this for all it's worth – and he's right, of course. And I will. But I still don't really care.
More importantly, even although I know that if I phoned my Mover & Shaker, took him out for a drink, that I could woo him and get some useful contacts – maybe – I really don't want to go there.
It nearly killed me to be Miss Nice for an evening. I cannot be arsed. Christ, I'm bitter, for God's sake. I like being bitter. It means I don't have to court anyone, be smiley, flirt, have conversations with men who talk to my tits, listen to their anecdotes, pretend I care about all the famous people they've met, pretend I think their jobs are worthwhile, pretend anything.
I get to stay home, write my grudging blog, write my dark, twisted prose, see the worst in everyone – and I'm happy.
Yes, I like to be bitter. I've worked hard for it, and now it's working hard for me.
Bitterness is your friend, embrace it and be free.
You can now read this blog at the following locations:-
To subscribe to this blog on Blogspirit (my base camp) without divulging your email address click on the Newsgator button on the left-hand sidebar (on the Blogspirit site) or simply post the following text into your RSS browser: http://www.poisonpixie.com/chanceryblogfeed.xml
Not yet discovered the wonder of The DANNY Quadrilogy? You can check out all the volumes in print now at Poison Pixie where you can read an extract of Volume 1 for FREE! Or start your collection on Amazon here where you can also buy a print sampler, entitled CULT Fiction, containing an introduction to the DANNY series and an excerpt from Volume 1, for only £2.99.
You can also see me in person on my YouTube site (as well as DANNY's various trailers and ads) here or you can see the same material on the Poison Pixie film site where you can also hear our Mr Scratchmann read his delightful comic verse in his podcasts.
Lastly, there is an independent DANNY Discussion Board run by fans, C Stone's DANNY where anyone is welcome to go along and chat about the book till their guts bust.
00:28 Posted in Blog , Books , Leisure , Web | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this